Helping Your Child Be Successful During Social Outings

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Going shopping, out to eat, to the library or a park?  It’s all the same when your child has difficulty navigating social situations.  Many times it’s a sensory issue.  Too much noise, too many people, too much visual stimulus.  Think about most social outings.  They are noisy, there are too many things to distract and most of the time there are a lot of other people around.  When a person has a hard time tuning out things that aren’t important or is overloaded with visual, auditory and touch, they tend to act out.  It’s a way of getting away from things.  Think of the times when so much was happening at once that you just wanted to close your eyes and scream!  The same thing, only for sensory-sensitive children, that is often how they feel all of the time.  Children diagnosed with autism often also have sensory issues. Maybe they don’t like certain textures or loud noises.  Maybe too many people make them agitated.  Or they may need to bang their head or body against something to calm.  It’s not strange, it’s a strategy.  Once we are aware of what might cause certain behaviors it is basically our duty to help.  Not cater to, but help.  Slowly exposing to new textures, foods, sounds, smells, sudden movements, etc. is a way to start helping.  Slowly, being the key!  Just because it’s different from how we feel, or because it seems irrational, doesn’t make it any less real to the person affected.

Navigating social situations is a skill that doesn’t come easy for many kids.  Just listening to what they are told and staying safe is a challenge in our fast-paced, technology distracting world.  If the child isn’t on a device then the adult is.  We are so busy that we rush our kids and forget they aren’t prepared to be hurried and when they sense your frustration it can cause anxiety that shows up in various ways.  Simply put, we need to teach our children the appropriate skills to navigate in our society and sometimes that requires a change in our behaviors first.

Going shopping before you had kids might have been the highlight of your day.  Casually browsing through clothes, trying on everything you think is cute, cruising through a mall window shopping and stopping to eat whatever your heart desires.  I would take hours in ONE store, and enjoy it!!   Shopping is actually therapeutic for me.  Even if that’s not the case for you, maybe you can’t stand to go shopping and pride yourself for getting in and out of a store in 10 minutes or less, we can agree that there are still times when going to the store is a necessity. We all need groceries, and occasionally new clothes.  I know at my house we have an 11-year-old who seems to grow out of literally everything every 3 months! I can’t buy her anything unless she is with me, so I have to weigh my options:  shop with her or she could go barefoot and not wear underwear or pants for a while! Ha Ha

Whether your attitude about shopping before you had kids was, “Oh, those were the days!” or, “I only go shopping with a list and only when I need something.” You most likely will agree that taking kids with you versus going alone is two very different worlds!   You may be tempted, as I am most days, to leave them at home with another adult instead.  Although that is a great plan sometimes, let me tell you why that is not always the answer.

Our children, whatever age or possible disability, learn from experiences.  Intuitively we all know that, but honestly, it is doubly true for children with sensory needs, social disorders or behavior problems.  Here’s where you might be yelling, “NO! You don’t know my child! I cannot take him to the store!”

Quick story:  When I first started teaching in the special needs preschool I met a child during our back to school night that acted as if this was the first time she’d been let out of her room!  She was absolutely wild.  Even her appearance was wild, unkempt with tangled crazy hair. Turns out she didn’t like her hair washed and struggled taking baths.  She refused to have it brushed as well. I watched her run from one thing to another, pulling things off of shelves, climbing over tables, throwing things across the room, and she never uttered one intelligible word.  “Raised by wolves” came to mind.  I didn’t ask if she had a diagnosis, assuming there was probably some sensory issues, because I have never really cared about labels.  I started making mental notes right away about her behaviors, what caught her attention, did she respond to her name (NO), could she play purposefully with any toy, etc.  You see, I wanted to help this little girl to successfully navigate the world and help her parents successfully go out in public with her.  Coming to school was her first social event away from parents and I was determined to make it count.

Fast forward two months, during parent conferences, her mom was almost in tears talking about how she misbehaved in stores and made shopping impossible for her.  She wasn’t always able to wait for her husband to come home and he wasn’t very comfortable staying at home with her screaming for her mom. (understandable).  During the conference this child was hiding under tables, kicking chairs, hitting her mom, running across the room into furniture and ignoring the pleas from her mom to come to sit by her.  I calmly walked over to her, waited as she darted around a table and then over it as I approached, and reached out my hand.  As soon as she looked at it I calmly said her name and she briefly made eye contact.  “Gottchya!”  She let me hold her hand to come back to her mom and I knelt down to eye level and told her exactly what I wanted her to do.  Sit down and choose one of the prepared activities we had out and don’t get back up until her mom was finished.  We had maybe 5 more minutes to go, but she sat and played with play dough.  Her mom cried and I promised to talk with her more about some ideas to help her when she could return alone.

Here are 8 things that I shared with this worn out mother who was asking for help.

1. Identify a few toys or items that are meaningful to your child.  If your child has no special item, can’t attend to any item for any length of time or is just as happy with 20 other toys, you may need to do a little experimenting.  Get out a kitchen utensil (whisk, tongs, plastic spoon, pastry brush) and make fun noises with it, or gently brush it on their arm or back.  Look through toys that have been put up and see if there is something of interest.  Recall an item they were interested in at school or the store and buy it.  Even a soft lap blanket or pillow, a bag of cotton balls, some change in an empty medicine bottle (child proof lid), can work.  This is where planning will be your friend.  Let your child play in small doses with the toy or item and then it DISAPPEARS until you want them to follow directions.
2. Make sure they haven’t played with it for st least 30 minutes before you want to leave ( want to give a bath, go to bed, etc.). It’s important that the child hasn’t played with it for a little while before you entice him/her with it.  If it’s something they never let go of that’s ok.  You can still work it in for #3.
3. I’m not promoting bribery, and I don’t typically suggest using food, but this step can really help if you’re stuck.  Calmly say their name while in close proximity.  Get down to eye level and hold the item up next to your eyes.  You want to get eye contact.  If you know your child understands words, say something short and simple.  If you know words are difficult or there is a hearing issue, hold up a picture of what you want (car, bath, shoes, store).  They will be interested in the toy and look, if only briefly, and maybe try to grab.  Move it away and say, “wait.” An example might be, “We are going to the store, do you want to hold ___?”  Take their hand if they grab again, gently put the item in their hand and then hold their other hand and walk to the door.  Stop at the door, get to eye level and get their attention again. As soon as there is a second of eye contact say, “You will hold my hand outside to the car.”  Hold their hand and walk to the car.  If the toy is dropped stop and get it for them, don’t let go of their hand.  Sometimes dropping the toy is a very smart tactic to get free from your grip!  At the car get back to eye level and say, “you are going to sit in your car seat while I buckle it.”  Lift them up and put them in the car seat.  Repeat if they protest.  Hold your hand out and ask for the toy back if they will not sit in the car seat.  You may have to take it. Hold it close to your face and repeat what you want.  Once in the car seat put your hand over the toy in their hand and say, “you need to stay in your car seat until I get you out.  OK?”  You may not get an answer, but use short directions and a clear, calm voice.
4. You get the idea!  My parent had to stop the car and ask for the whisk (wink) when her daughter unhooked her seat belt, twice.  This was her first time trying this and she reported that she was calm and her daughter was actually much calmer because mom wasn’t uptight and yelling at her.  She repeated the direction to stay in her seat and not touch the seat belt each time she put her back in.  When she parked at the store she left the car seat fastened while she knelt by it and got her attention again.  “You will hold my hand while we are outside and you will sit in the cart in the store. OK?”  Her daughter had never been instructed this way before.  She was now aware of what was coming next and what was expected.  She wasn’t getting visual or auditory sensory overload because everyone was calm and each step well thought out.  It takes planning to get yourself and your purse out, unbuckle your child while holding their hand the whole time, and keeping a tight hold on them through the parking lot.  I know I  would often be in a hurry, grabbing my stuff, unbuckling my daughter while trying to grab the diaper bag and her toy. Distracted by my thoughts of what I needed in the store.  So it shouldn’t be a big surprise that she would often scurry past me before I knew it and the chase was on. Not a very safe chase, I might add.  I’d be caught up in why I was at the store, trying not to forget anything, and not even talk to my daughter other than saying, “let’s go!” Or “be good!”  What does that even mean anyway?
5. A harness or other way to hold onto your child may be the safest bet for you.  Keep the end goal in mind though.  You want your child to be safe, walk with you and ride in the cart while in the store.  If you need to clip something onto their waistband or belt loop or put a harness on them to navigate at first, do it!  Yes, there are people who judge, but your child’s safety comes first!  I used a “leash” attached to my daughter’s wrist, a backpack harness that she loved the first time and never again, and a belt loop leash.  As soon as I started making sure she knew what was coming next, was clear on what I needed her to do (#6) I stopped using devices and just held her hand.  I made it special, “Hold mommy’s hand and we’ll walk together.”  She didn’t always want to but it was non-negotiable!
6. PLAN AHEAD:  Remember:  You already know what to do and how to act, and you hopefully have carefully thought out each step, so let your child know EACH step of the way.  Don’t give 2-3 directions and expect they will remember them.  If you forget to warn them that a change or action is coming, don’t panic.  Backup and calmly tell them.  It’s worth the extra time! If you’re in line and they are touching everything within reach from the cart, back out of line if you can and gently tell them, “No touching, please. Let’s try again.”  There are always things we forget to mention, but be fair and don’t get upset.  People will move and let you out, cashiers will hold your stuff, those groceries can wait until later if you need to leave.
7. Don’t bother giving a direction if it’s negotiable.  This is a hard lesson to learn, and I’m still working on it!  Negotiable things might be leaving their shoes on or dropping something out of the cart. If you can deal with it at first then focus on the big things. Mostly that would be holding hand outside; sitting in the car seat; not touching/unbuckling  the seat belt; sitting in the cart at a store; staying in the cart without touching things in shelves; a quiet voice inside (no screaming); etc.  All Non-negotiable to begin teaching successful social skills.   I’ve turned and gone back in the car when my daughter wouldn’t sit in the cart, was screaming for something in the store, tried climbing out of the cart every time I stopped, etc.  She learned that some things were not negotiable and the hassle for me to have to return later was worth it in the long run. I only had to do this once at a restaurant with my granddaughter.  We had just ordered and she was screaming and crawling under the table to escape into the restaurant.  I took her to the car and we waited for my husband. He brought our food and we left.  She yelled, “I’m hungry! Go back in! I don’t want to leave!” all the way home and we quietly chatted to each other while we ignored her.  We all went into the house, I told her she needed to have a quiet voice inside and to stay at the table if she wanted to eat.  She did beautifully!  We stole happy glances at each other when she wasn’t looking!
8. Children don’t learn how to act in social situations if we don’t help them.  They do need to go with us, and we need to be vigilant in making sure they are safe and we stay sane!

Wondering what happened to my little girl at school? The same girl who refused to get in carts or strollers and would jump out of them while in motion if she was forced into them.  Who ran up ladders at Home Depot, in back rooms at grocery stores, out the front if doors were automatic, hid under tables or clothing racks, played in toilets, hit other kids and generally was screaming! I saw them in the store at the end of the school year (April) and she was sitting in the cart jabbering to her mom and holding a squishy ball.  She smiled at me and reached out to touch my hand.  Wow! The pride on moms face was priceless! Fast forward 5 years. I saw her at the fair and she was talking, laughing and riding on rides with other kids.  This would not have been possible or safe if she hadn’t been purposefully taken into social situations with her parents and taught how to behave.